grief Archives - Kristina Lunde

September 30, 2023 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

A Sadiversary Grief Pilgrimage

A sadiversary grief pilgrimage. What is it? A sadiversary is the anniversary of a loved one’s death, a calendar date that marks another year after the loss. In the context of grief and sadiversary dates, I like the definition of a pilgrimage as a journey undertaken as a quest for a purpose, as to pay homage. Some definitions relate a pilgrimage to a sacred place, shrine, or an act of religious devotion, but I don’t believe in enshrining a place or idolizing a deathbed. In fact, the location of your love one’s death may still be painful years later.

Sólheimasandur, Iceland Image by 12019 from Pixabay

Same Date, Different Pilgrimages

This summer, two different sadiversary grief pilgrimages focused on the same date: June 13th. In one case, an entire family took a cross-country road trip, traveling over a thousand miles to visit a motorcycle crash site on the first sadiversary. They planned in advance, made arrangements for lodging, and decided how to retrace the last days of their patriarch’s life. I spoke with the widow and her daughter as they prepared for their pilgrimage. Although tearful and grieving, they were determined to make this trip meaningful for all involved.

In contrast, the other pilgrimage occurred half of a century after the death, on the fiftieth sadiversary. Months before she traveled 2000+ miles for the journey, a woman researched many details of her father’s fatal crash. She looked up obituaries, plat map books, and location maps. Her research also involved pre-computer methods: a library visit to photograph bound newspapers (in 1973, this library did not use micro-fiche storage), a letter campaign to many families in the region, and telephone conversations with people who responded to the letters. Attempts to track down eye-witnesses proved challenging because people had died, moved, or sold their land. However, several younger family members had been told the story and passed on new information to the grieving daughter. The family members of the original eye witnesses invited her out to the crash site and welcomed her and her aunt with genuine hospitality and kindness.

These two sadiversary grief pilgrimages, although centered on the same day, illustrate the truth of how unique the grief experience is for each individual. A grief pilgrimage can be a time to commemorate your loved one, honor their life, and process your grief. Or more importantly, an opportunity to recognize the grief that you have already processed. Whether you take a grief pilgrimage on the sadiversary or at another time, here are some ideas to consider when you visit the site of your loved one’s death or another site associated with memories of the deceased.

Plan Ahead

As you plan, consider the site and any accommodations you need to make. For example, obtain permissions, determine how to access a specific area, and recognize safety factors, etc. If the exact location is unaccessible, consider a place nearby where you could spend time reflecting. For example, you cannot sit in a busy intersection, but perhaps you could park on a side street. Decide on your goals and activities as you plan ahead.

Bring a supportive friend or family member—or complete this on your own. Recognize and respect that everyone grieves differently. One person’s grief pilgrimage will have different goals and expectations than another person’s. There may be family members who don’t want to join you because they are not ready or they have already processed their grief in different ways. If you invite people, discuss your plans and expectations in advance.

Make a Back-up Plan

Visiting or revisiting the site may elicit the pain and grief you previously experienced or bring up new emotions. This may trigger difficult responses, even if you have never seen the site before. Strategize how to cope with any overwhelming emotions that may arise. If you deal with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, make a plan—perhaps with the help of a counselor. Have an exit prepared, but don’t rush away before you accomplish what you set out to do. Find a place to regroup near the site you plan to visit.

Set Realistic Expectations

This pilgrimage may be a quest for peace and closure, but recognize that you may not find the answers or closure you seek. In fact, this journey may bring up more questions than answers. As much as you knew your loved one, you may not know everything about what they felt and how they dealt with the events leading up to their death. Answer the questions you can, and be flexible with your idea of closure. Be realistic about what you can accomplish and be prepared that this experience might not turn out exactly as expected.

At the Site

Give yourself time to process everything. Recognize that heavy grief is exhausting. You may need extra time, comfort, or space when you physically and emotionally revisit an earlier place of grief and pain. Be careful not to make the location of your loved one’s death a sacred place or an idol that controls you. Say a prayer, have a moment, read a Bible verse, write in your journal—whatever comforts you.

Consider a souvenir: take a picture, find a rock, pick a flower/leaf to press, or buy a souvenir from the town/region. Be careful what you leave, especially if the site is owned by someone else. (No one wants plastic flowers that will be plowed under at the next snowfall.) Contact the owners or the park staff for suggestions of a memorial. Perhaps they have an idea for a bench, a marker, or a tree to commemorate your loved one. They may have an idea you never considered. Be flexible and respect the property and its owners.

A sadiversary grief pilgrimage may provide a comforting quest to grieve, honor, and remember your loved one. To maximize your experience, plan your goals in advance, set realistic expectations for yourself, and consider what you will do at the actual site. Expect that not everything will be explained or come to closure. I encourage you to look to Jesus for the peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7), and recognize that we won’t understand everything this side of heaven.

July 18, 2023 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Job’s Wife on Grief and Bitterness

Dear Modern Mama,

No, you probably don’t know much about me. I’m not a Bible superstar or good example of faith. In fact, the infamous line I am known for is, “Curse God and die!” (Thankfully, my words are only recorded in one Bible verse, Job 2:9.) Despite that, I hope to encourage you to seek God during the grief and suffering that life inevitably brings.

As my husband Job lay in ashes scraping his painful wounds, I questioned how he could maintain his faith. That’s when I urged him to give up on God and give in to death. I did not mean for Job to take his own life. Instead, I meant that he should blame God and let death take him, since he was half-dead already. Yes, I wrongly said evil things as I wallowed in my grief and bitterness. At the time, I didn’t know what else to do but blame God. Enemy raids, sword attacks, deadly fires, and fierce winds killed animals and people, including our ten children. My precious children! Taken from us in multiple sudden catastrophes. My entire life as a mother wiped out. Farmworkers, shepherds, nannies: all employees gone in an instant. Our livelihood ruined. I felt crushed and overwhelmed by grief and sorrow.

I got angry at God and succumbed to bitterness. Job’s friends sat with him for one week in empathy and mourning. I couldn’t stand being near Job because of his stinky breath and those putrid boils. Now, I am ashamed of my actions and of how I blamed God. I write to you in hopes that you will follow my husband Job’s example instead of mine. Don’t be like me and let grief and bitterness take over your heart until you shut out God. Notice that I am never named, and never again quoted, in the Bible.

Job maintained his close relationship with God. Despite being confronted and accused by his friends, Job kept his faith and integrity throughout his trials. He rebuked me for my comments, but he did not sin. How could he keep trusting in God after all that we had experienced?! Job questioned, but respected God. He challenged God, yet submitted to Him. Job wailed in pain, but trusted God for help. I did none of that. How I wish I had turned to God with my grief and anger like my husband did. Check out my husband’s book of Job to read the laments of his heart as he expressed them to God. Yes, Job maintained his integrity. Regretfully, I did not.

Dear friend, please trust God no matter what you are going through. Know that our God is big enough to handle any anger and emotions you feel. God can help you deal with the trials of your life. When life hurts and death seems like a better option, God can teach you to trust and submit to Him. Our God may not answer with specific reasons why, but He will guide and sustain you through everything you experience. Although I learned these lessons late, I share my story—and what I learned from my husband—with you.

By watching my husband Job deal with his suffering, I learned so much about God. Yes, my man of God stayed married to me, and later we had ten more children. I did not deserve God’s favor. Like He did for Job’s friends, God blessed me because of my husband’s faithfulness to God. How I wish I had trusted God, like my husband Job did, to help me through grief and suffering! My bitterness and resentment against God consumed me. I pray that you would avoid my sinful path and instead turn toward God during sorrow and trials.

Praying for our dear Lord to teach you through my mistakes.
Job’s wife

April 8, 2023 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Naomi: From Bitterness to Loving Others

Dear Modern Mama,

My parenting advice does not relate to everyday family activities or raising kids. Our family of four dealt with famine, moved to another country, and then my life collapsed. You might not want to listen to a widowed grieving mother, but give me the chance to speak of the love and provision of our amazing God, Elohim, and how He taught me to love others.

My husband Elimelech took our family from Bethlehem to Moab, so that we could escape the famine. In that pagan country, both of our sons Mahlon and Kilion grew up and married local women. First, my dear Elimelech died. Then, my sons also died. Such tragedy! I focused only on my losses, the deaths of my husband and sons. I became bitter against Elohim. How could God take my husband and then my two sons?! I had no sons to support me and no grandchildren to carry on our family line.

At first, consumed by grief and bitterness, I refused to consider anything but my tragedy. I did not appreciate Elohim’s blessing of two incredible daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah. God placed these sweet women in my life to love, but my grief blinded me from experiencing that comfort. In my culture, a widowed daughter-in-law would marry one of my other sons. But I had nothing to offer: no more sons, no household, and no money.

Destitute and again facing the threat of starvation, I decided to return to Bethlehem. Both Ruth and Orpah insisted on accompanying me. At the start of the trip, I excused both women from any obligation to me. We professed our love to each other in a sobfest on the road. Orpah took my advice and returned to her family, but Ruth vowed to stay with me.

Ruth’s growing faith ministered to me. Just imagine: this young girl, who came to know Elohim through our family, now encouraged me! As Ruth learned about God and drew close to Him, she motivated me to do the same. Ruth became like my own daughter to me. (Read it for yourself in the book of the Bible named after my dear daughter-in-law Ruth.) The psalmist best summarizes our story, “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6a). Elohim gave us hope and a future by placing Ruth in the line of the Messiah!

My advice to you is love the ones God gives you to love. Of course, that includes primarily your husband and children. But also recognize that God places other people in your life to be loved.

If you have experienced tragedy, do not become bitter over what you have lost. Open your heart to the others in your life. Share God with them. Pour God’s love into them. Do not be surprised when God chooses to work through all of you, like he did for me and Ruth.

Love to you from King David’s Great-great Grandmother,
Naomi

May 25, 2022 by Kristina Lunde 3 Comments

The Sadiversary: A Grief Milestone

Sadiversary sounds like an anniversary, but instead of a celebratory event, the grieving person commemorates the date their loved one died. Sometimes that date may loom large and foreboding, as you fear falling apart in a fresh new way. Or, you may have expectations and hopes of closure and peace. As usual in the grieving process, your response will be as unique and individual as your relationship with your loved one. With some planning and preparation, the sadiversary can become a memorable grief milestone. Here are some thoughts to help you recognize the truth of your situation and prepare for the sadiversary in emotional, logistical, and spiritual ways.

Sadiversary Truths

In anticipating the first sadiversary, recognize that you have spent a year acknowledging and dealing with your loved one’s death. This may be yet another grief challenge, but recognize all the sorrow that you have processed and coped with already. The truth is, you already faced many painful days of grief in those early weeks after your loved one died, and you will get through this one, too. Sadly, there is no award—no prize or recognition—for your survival of one year of grief. Most people will not remember that day of death, the day when your loved one’s life ended and your life changed forever.

Please take heart. The sadiversary is a grieving milestone, a marker on your journey through mourning, sorrow, acceptance, and adjustment. Someday it will not hurt like this, as my mother promised me. A widow at age 36, my mother raised three children on her own and knew what I faced. My mother told me of writing a check once, when she suddenly recognized the date as the day of my father’s deadly plane crash years earlier. Instead of a grief ambush, she felt surprised that it was just an average, normal day. Such healing seems impossible when grief is so fresh and painful, but God’s comfort and healing continues, long after that first year.

Emotional: Be Gentle with Yourself

Please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time and space to grieve on the sadiversary. Remember and honor your loved one in whatever way is best for you. By now, you will know what that looks like. For example, look through photos, read letters, watch videos, or play music. Be by yourself or find emotional support reminiscing with others who also loved this person. Or plan both solitary and group activities for that day. This might be a sad time, but recognize how far you have come in terms of grieving and living life again.

Logistics: Make a Plan

Make a plan so that the day doesn’t stretch out in dread before you or get filled with so many work projects that you have no time to reflect. Schedule something in honor of your loved one. My six-year-old son decided that our family should go on a bike ride for the first sadiversary, because Daddy liked to bike. My kids chose the route, biking back and forth to the house of family friends. As my little guy rode his “big-boy bike,” from which Daddy had recently removed the training wheels, I fought back tears. I recognized my son’s determination to honor Daddy as those little legs churned round and round at the pedals, a total of over nine miles that day.

Schedule something you enjoy, like an outdoor activity, a restaurant outing, or a concert—whatever makes you smile. My in-laws spent sadiversaries eating out at a Mexican restaurant, my husband’s favorite cuisine. The people you choose to spend time with do not need to know about the occasion. After I moved and my husband had been gone for years, I often scheduled sadiversary events with girlfriends. They had no idea about the significance of the date and had never met my husband, but I enjoyed having a planned activity.

Spiritual: Trust God

Recognize and remember what God has done for you in this past year of mourning and sorrow. Reflecting on your early grief may elicit pain again, but you can truly appreciate how God has comforted you. How did God encourage you? Provide for you? Remind you of His love? Help you grow in your faith? Speak to you through His word? Pray and thank God for His comfort. Read God’s Word and ask Him to guide you into the next phase of your life. Spend time writing your reflections down. You may identify progress that you did not recognize before. Trust God for His healing.

As you acknowledge this loss and honor the deceased, this sadiversary may be a grief milestone that propels you forward. May God use this day to remind you of His love for you.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV

March 31, 2022 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Widowed Parent Challenge: Join Your Child’s Play

Dear Widowed Parent,

Your world turned upside down, inside out, ripped apart—anything but normal. The support of a parenting partner feels so far away. Or maybe, life with your spouse and co-parent seems as close as yesterday. Whatever the reason, timing, or other aspects of your spouse’s death, you now parent alone. In widowed terms, you became an only parent. The single aspect did not occur by choice or acceptance; there is no child support or weekend relief. The death of your loved one relegated you to the rank of only parent. Precious parent, whose life has been seared by death and grief, try to enter into your child’s world of play. For those of you in the trenches of only-parenting, I offer this advice in the form of a challenge: join your children in the joy of their play and allow yourself to be temporarily distracted from your grief.

Kids & Grief

For children, grief comes in stages that progress along with the the child’s development. At age eleven when my father died in a plane crash, my initial grief focused only on the present. I felt sad for my Dad, because he would never find out that our dog failed to pass obedience training on the night of the plane crash. My childhood brain could not imagine future sorrows. As I grew older, grief revisited me during events in middle school: my first band concert, getting braces, and confirmation. As a child, much of my life remained to be experienced, so the absence of my dad caused new waves of grief whenever I grew and changed. Only later when my own children grieved, did I realize how my grief had changed through the years as my child-centered awareness of the world expanded.

One surprising aspect of children’s grief is their ability to transition in and out of grief. Adults often find this disconcerting, as children may seem unaffected by the death. For example, at their father’s funeral, my sad children became excited to see friends and relatives. They bounced back and forth between family members, collecting hugs and attention during the somber service. As an adult, I felt numb and shocked as I zombied through the funeral and reception. While adults understand and mourn the implications of a person’s death, a child cannot. This protective mechanism, whether due to situational filtering or developmental distractibility, provides a necessary respite for a grieving child. My children may have felt sadness at conversations about Daddy’s death, but at the funeral reception, they ran outside to play with friends. In contrast, the adults remained inside, unable to focus on anything but death and loss.

Join Your Child’s Play

A wise widower recommended that I play with my children as they played. Months after my husband died, as I lay crying with suicidal thoughts, I remembered that widower’s advice. I forced myself out of my room, determined to spend time with my kids. My six-year-old son Ben sat at the piano practicing, so I joined him on the piano bench. He soon had me laughing, which distracted me from my grief and pain. Ben had the ability to bring joy to the situation, a blessing I recognized as a gift from God.

Of course my grief persisted, but I resolved to purposefully enter my children’s world of play. I learned to join them in the joy of their play, experiencing a refreshing break from the reality of my widowed life and the ongoing grief. A child’s play is their creative laboratory, a safe place for them to experiment and learn about their world. Consider it a privilege to enter a child’s play for a glimpse of their perspective. My favorite play activity became our afternoon sessions of jumping on the trampoline. The usual game featured my two kids versus me in the “Let’s bounce Mom higher” contest. That is not a game you can play with a straight face or while crying. We often dropped onto our backs in giggles, relaxing as we let the trampoline bounce us back to stability.

My Prayer for You

My dear widowed parent, please consider my challenge to join your child as they experience joy in their play. I pray that God will give you opportunities and insight on how to play with your children. May our precious God provide a reprieve in your grief and help you savor time with your children in whatever activities they enjoy. I pray for God’s blessings on you: beauty for ashes, His oil of joy for your mourning, and His garment of praise for your despairing spirit. May our dear Lord plant you securely in His righteousness as you process your grief.

God’s Grief Therapy

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3 NIV

[Originally posted January 2022]