grief Archives - Kristina Lunde

May 25, 2022 by Kristina Lunde 1 Comment

The Sadiversary: A Grief Milestone

Sadiversary sounds like an anniversary, but instead of a celebratory event, the grieving person commemorates the date their loved one died. Sometimes that date may loom large and foreboding, as you fear falling apart in a fresh new way. Or, you may have expectations and hopes of closure and peace. As usual in the grieving process, your response will be as unique and individual as your relationship with your loved one. With some planning and preparation, the sadiversary can become a memorable grief milestone. Here are some thoughts to help you recognize the truth of your situation and prepare for the sadiversary in emotional, logistical, and spiritual ways.

Sadiversary Truths

In anticipating the first sadiversary, recognize that you have spent a year acknowledging and dealing with your loved one’s death. This may be yet another grief challenge, but recognize all the sorrow that you have processed and coped with already. The truth is, you already faced many painful days of grief in those early weeks after your loved one died, and you will get through this one, too. Sadly, there is no award—no prize or recognition—for your survival of one year of grief. Most people will not remember that day of death, the day when your loved one’s life ended and your life changed forever.

Please take heart. The sadiversary is a grieving milestone, a marker on your journey through mourning, sorrow, acceptance, and adjustment. Someday it will not hurt like this, as my mother promised me. A widow at age 36, my mother raised three children on her own and knew what I faced. My mother told me of writing a check once, when she suddenly recognized the date as the day of my father’s deadly plane crash years earlier. Instead of a grief ambush, she felt surprised that it was just an average, normal day. Such healing seems impossible when grief is so fresh and painful, but God’s comfort and healing continues, long after that first year.

Emotional: Be Gentle with Yourself

Please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time and space to grieve on the sadiversary. Remember and honor your loved one in whatever way is best for you. By now, you will know what that looks like. For example, look through photos, read letters, watch videos, or play music. Be by yourself or find emotional support reminiscing with others who also loved this person. Or plan both solitary and group activities for that day. This might be a sad time, but recognize how far you have come in terms of grieving and living life again.

Logistics: Make a Plan

Make a plan so that the day doesn’t stretch out in dread before you or get filled with so many work projects that you have no time to reflect. Schedule something in honor of your loved one. My six-year-old son decided that our family should go on a bike ride for the first sadiversary, because Daddy liked to bike. My kids chose the route, biking back and forth to the house of family friends. As my little guy rode his “big-boy bike,” from which Daddy had recently removed the training wheels, I fought back tears. I recognized my son’s determination to honor Daddy as those little legs churned round and round at the pedals, a total of over nine miles that day.

Schedule something you enjoy, like an outdoor activity, a restaurant outing, or a concert—whatever makes you smile. My in-laws spent sadiversaries eating out at a Mexican restaurant, my husband’s favorite cuisine. The people you choose to spend time with do not need to know about the occasion. After I moved and my husband had been gone for years, I often scheduled sadiversary events with girlfriends. They had no idea about the significance of the date and had never met my husband, but I enjoyed having a planned activity.

Spiritual: Trust God

Recognize and remember what God has done for you in this past year of mourning and sorrow. Reflecting on your early grief may elicit pain again, but you can truly appreciate how God has comforted you. How did God encourage you? Provide for you? Remind you of His love? Help you grow in your faith? Speak to you through His word? Pray and thank God for His comfort. Read God’s Word and ask Him to guide you into the next phase of your life. Spend time writing your reflections down. You may identify progress that you did not recognize before. Trust God for His healing.

As you acknowledge this loss and honor the deceased, this sadiversary may be a grief milestone that propels you forward. May God use this day to remind you of His love for you.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV

March 31, 2022 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Widowed Parent Challenge: Join Your Child’s Play

Dear Widowed Parent,

Your world turned upside down, inside out, ripped apart—anything but normal. The support of a parenting partner feels so far away. Or maybe, life with your spouse and co-parent seems as close as yesterday. Whatever the reason, timing, or other aspects of your spouse’s death, you now parent alone. In widowed terms, you became an only parent. The single aspect did not occur by choice or acceptance; there is no child support or weekend relief. The death of your loved one relegated you to the rank of only parent. Precious parent, whose life has been seared by death and grief, try to enter into your child’s world of play. For those of you in the trenches of only-parenting, I offer this advice in the form of a challenge: join your children in the joy of their play and allow yourself to be temporarily distracted from your grief.

Kids & Grief

For children, grief comes in stages that progress along with the the child’s development. At age eleven when my father died in a plane crash, my initial grief focused only on the present. I felt sad for my Dad, because he would never find out that our dog failed to pass obedience training on the night of the plane crash. My childhood brain could not imagine future sorrows. As I grew older, grief revisited me during events in middle school: my first band concert, getting braces, and confirmation. As a child, much of my life remained to be experienced, so the absence of my dad caused new waves of grief whenever I grew and changed. Only later when my own children grieved, did I realize how my grief had changed through the years as my child-centered awareness of the world expanded.

One surprising aspect of children’s grief is their ability to transition in and out of grief. Adults often find this disconcerting, as children may seem unaffected by the death. For example, at their father’s funeral, my sad children became excited to see friends and relatives. They bounced back and forth between family members, collecting hugs and attention during the somber service. As an adult, I felt numb and shocked as I zombied through the funeral and reception. While adults understand and mourn the implications of a person’s death, a child cannot. This protective mechanism, whether due to situational filtering or developmental distractibility, provides a necessary respite for a grieving child. My children may have felt sadness at conversations about Daddy’s death, but at the funeral reception, they ran outside to play with friends. In contrast, the adults remained inside, unable to focus on anything but death and loss.

Join Your Child’s Play

A wise widower recommended that I play with my children as they played. Months after my husband died, as I lay crying with suicidal thoughts, I remembered that widower’s advice. I forced myself out of my room, determined to spend time with my kids. My six-year-old son Ben sat at the piano practicing, so I joined him on the piano bench. He soon had me laughing, which distracted me from my grief and pain. Ben had the ability to bring joy to the situation, a blessing I recognized as a gift from God.

Of course my grief persisted, but I resolved to purposefully enter my children’s world of play. I learned to join them in the joy of their play, experiencing a refreshing break from the reality of my widowed life and the ongoing grief. A child’s play is their creative laboratory, a safe place for them to experiment and learn about their world. Consider it a privilege to enter a child’s play for a glimpse of their perspective. My favorite play activity became our afternoon sessions of jumping on the trampoline. The usual game featured my two kids versus me in the “Let’s bounce Mom higher” contest. That is not a game you can play with a straight face or while crying. We often dropped onto our backs in giggles, relaxing as we let the trampoline bounce us back to stability.

My Prayer for You

My dear widowed parent, please consider my challenge to join your child as they experience joy in their play. I pray that God will give you opportunities and insight on how to play with your children. May our precious God provide a reprieve in your grief and help you savor time with your children in whatever activities they enjoy. I pray for God’s blessings on you: beauty for ashes, His oil of joy for your mourning, and His garment of praise for your despairing spirit. May our dear Lord plant you securely in His righteousness as you process your grief.

God’s Grief Therapy

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3 NIV

[Originally posted January 2022]

March 31, 2022 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Obeying a God Nudge: From Selfish to Willing

An email request asked Lakes Area Writers Alliance members to volunteer for a shift in a non-profit booth at the county fair. My irritations added up. The group held meetings, inconveniently, on Saturday mornings, and this request also involved weekends. A four-hour shift seemed like a long, boring stretch of time. All of my reasons not to participate felt squelched by a “God-nudge,” to use my husband’s description of a gut feeling that God wants you to do something. I preferred to volunteer for a two-hour shift, but four hours in a row? Really?! How much could I say about group meetings that I rarely attended?

That “God-nudge” prompted me to sign up for the last Saturday morning of the fair. Yes, I volunteered for the day I didn’t want to go, for the job I didn’t want to do, and for a stretch of time I thought seemed too long. But I did it anyway, begrudgingly out of obedience God.

Our writer’s alliance event coordinator had thoroughly prepared the displays. Two rectangular tables included an obligatory candy bowl that attracted kids and other sweet-seekers. A raffle jar offered a prize basket of books written by members of our writers’ alliance—my memoir included. Some group members had self-published short stories in a collection entitled The Storyville Project. Copies were stacked and available for sale. Displayed in racks, stacks, and fanned arrangements, brochures and bookmarks spread across the table tops.

Volunteers had permission to sell their own books, so I spent the first minutes placing my books on easels. As I set up my sales display, I chatted with the woman in the neighboring booth. Her story tumbled out quickly: she was widowed three months prior, after taking care of her ill husband while he was on hospice. Confined to a hospital bed in the living room, her husband needed full-time care, so she had slept on the couch, ready to jump up and help him 24/7.

Her tears flowed as she spoke of her grief. I tried to reassure her about the grief processing she had already accomplished, even though nothing felt normal to her yet. Not surprisingly, the fatigue she accumulated as a caretaker now compounded her grief. We spoke of God’s healing and comfort. I gave her the GriefShare website, so that she could sign up for daily emails and check out this fall’s grief groups. Later, a woman walked by the booth dressed in a memorial t-shirt that displayed several family members’ names and dates of death. We also discussed death and grief, and I gave her the same resources and information.

My entire booth shift turned out to be a pleasant surprise, and the four hours passed quickly. Several teenagers approached the booth, some reluctantly as their supportive parents asked questions on their child’s behalf. Identifying these shy teenagers, I started conversations about their favorite genres and encouraged them to continue writing. Hoping that the teens would be challenged and validated by submitting a story, I asked each one to contribute to the next edition of The Storyville Project. One teenager described working on projects with her sister who created anime drawings for her stories. As I marveled at their talents, I encouraged them to keep collaborating.

I enjoyed giving booth visitors information about our Lakes Area Writers Alliance. Not all conversations related to writing as I talked with kids, parents, and families. The Gideons International hosted a nearby booth where they gave out New Testament Bibles. Unlike the plain covers I remember from decades ago, the new Bible came in colorful covers: designs, graphics, and even camouflage. I engaged a few kids in conversation as they walked by with their pocket-sized gifts.

Afterward, I thought about my much-needed attitude rearrangement. I had signed up for my shift out of reluctant obedience to the “God-nudge,” or God’s prompting. That reluctance started to change when I recognized God’s divine appointments. Within minutes of my arrival, God arranged one-on-one time to speak with a grieving widow in the neighboring booth. God blessed my volunteer shift with meaningful conversations with kids, families, grieving people, writers, and friends. Once my selfishness got out of the way, God changed my attitude to willing—even joyful—obedience.

Lord God, Forgive my reluctant and frustrated attitude toward obeying your prompting, or those “God-nudges.” Change my heart, dear God, and teach me to be joyful and willing as I obey. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
[Originally posted August 2021]

March 30, 2022 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

My River of Sorrow as an Audiobook

Now available as an audiobook:

Kristina Lunde’s memoir,

entitled My River of Sorrow: A Widow’s Journey with God.

This all-American story of true love, sudden death, and authentic faith involves Lee, a golden California boy who becomes an Air Force fighter pilot, and Tina, a Midwestern girl turned Air Force nurse. Their lives are tragically interrupted when husband and father of two, Lee, dies suddenly. By the grace of God, and with church and community support, Lee’s family continues on without him. Previously believing that the biggest challenge in her life was her own father’s sudden death when she was a child, Tina realizes that God miraculously prepared her for this worst-case scenario of widowhood. With friends, family, and church support, as well as much-needed antidepressants and therapy, this widow faces grief and battles hopelessness. The narrative chronicles how Tina takes her pain straight to the throne of God and how the Lord of heaven answers prayers, needs, and sorrow with His grace, provision, and humor. This account reads like a novel, but only God can orchestrate a life story like this one.
[Originally posted July 2021]

March 30, 2022 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Grief in a Thrift Shop

A trip to my favorite consignment store during this COVID-19 pandemic provided a surprising social interaction last week. Only God knew that I would have a grief-related encounter. He orchestrated the timing, people, and circumstances for the event. My goal involved only getting out of the house to shop.

As often happens when I have time and money to shop, nothing fits, the clothing doesn’t look right, or I just can’t find anything. After my frustrations in the dressing room, I walked around the corner and looked at stuff that I didn’t really need or want to buy.

Suddenly two staff members moved quickly to the front of the store. “Sit down! Catch your breath!” They urged a customer to sit down in a chair. Then I heard heavy panting amid attempts to speak. Two employees were giving instructions to someone in obvious distress. “Rest a minute. Can I get you some water?” Thinking it was a medical emergency, I came around the clothes racks to offer help if needed.

Not all of the woman’s words were audible; she gasped for air and spoke from the chair. “Respiratory distress . . . in the hospital . . . nothing they could do.”

This was no medical emergency. The woman expressed her emotional pain, pouring out her grief after the recent death of a loved one. Thinking she was newly widowed, I came closer, hoping to speak with her. Two staff members were by her side, so I didn’t approach.

Instead, I took a pen and paper out of my purse and wrote down the GriefShare website link as I listened. By then, the second staff member had left, and the woman in the chair slowed her breathing. Her emotional pain tumbled out in disjointed words. “The clothes in the bags – I washed them all. They are brand names . . . good quality.” Her son had died suddenly after a short hospitalization.

When only one staff member stood at her side, I approached slowly and put my hand on the grieving woman’s shoulder. After a pause in the conversation, I mentioned that my husband died of a sudden heart attack sixteen years ago. Acknowledging that grief is very difficult, I asked how she was sleeping. I listened as the woman admitted that she could not sleep, eat, or focus on anything. All of that was normal, I assured her. Her brain had to work overtime to process the painful truth of her loved one’s death. I encouraged her to take care of herself in basic ways, like resting, eating, and drinking water.

Expressing concern over how hard she was working to wash, sort, and donate her son’s clothes, I advised her not to rush through those decisions. Instead, she should consider that there are people who will make quilts, teddy bears, and mementos with fabric from her loved one’s clothes. She mentioned that her granddaughter took some shirts to have teddy bears sewn.

Then I gave her the GriefShare link and suggested she sign up for the daily emails of comfort and encouragement. Also, she could look up grief support groups on the website. By that time, the woman had calmed her breathing. She stood up and walked toward the front door. I went back to browse the housewares.

“Where did that lady go?” I heard the store owner ask the cashier. After being pointed my way, the owner came over. “Thank you so much for helping that woman. How sad. I think things happen for a reason. Otherwise, what a coincidence that you were here at the time that lady came in!”

“I believe that God arranged those circumstances and that He had this all planned. He put all of this together knowing that that woman needed support.”

Later as I paid for my items, the cashier also thanked me. “My devotion this morning in Jesus Always [Jesus Always: Embracing Joy in His Presence by Sarah Young] was exactly about this kind of thing.”

“Don’t you love how God can teach us lessons and reinforce them in many ways?” I asked. At her agreement, I smiled.

Once again, I felt awe and honor at how God surprised me with an opportunity to comfort a grieving person (2 Corinthians 1:4-5).

Lord God, please comfort that precious woman whose son died. Give your comfort and peace to her whole family as they grieve this sudden death. Please be with those of us in the store that day: teach us to rely on you, share your love with others, and trust you to be involved in our everyday activities. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
[Originally posted April 2021]