Grief Archives - Kristina Lunde

June 29, 2024 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

My Mother-in-Law’s Legacy: Strength Expressed in Abiding Faith

My mother-in-law Lois fell sleep on the afternoon before her ninety-third birthday, quietly passing from this earth into the presence of Jesus Christ her Savior. Lois died as she had lived, leaving a legacy of strength and peace grounded by her faith in God.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1 NIV

The adjustments came quietly as Lois’s life slowed down and her abilities declined. She did not object when others drove, cooked, and did household chores for her. No agitation, hallucinations, or delirium affected the years of dementia. Decreased verbal expression accompanied the cognitive changes. The stories Lois used to tell decreased to mere sentences. Then a few words replaced the sentences. In her last months, single words expressed entire thoughts. Physical decline progressed slowly until Lois’s final year of life when she fell and required more help. But Lois always maintained a calm, peaceful presence.

The pastor, who had visited Lois over the past year, gave a short message at her memorial service. He focused on Lois’s strength, emphasizing that it was not worldly strength, but strength expressed in love, humility, and faith in God. Those of us who knew my mother-in-law knew that she was not a weight-lifting, aerobic-training, endurance-proving athlete. Instead, Lois exhibited inner strength, a quiet trust in God that continued throughout the challenges of her life.

One of Lois’s caregivers presented another eulogy. She spoke lovingly about Lois, sharing how the caregivers had helped Lois adjust from cane to walker to wheelchair and, finally, into a hospital bed.

Grandchildren, neighbors, caregivers, and church friends had only known Lois as an elderly woman. As a ninety-two-year-old woman, parts of Lois’s story sounded far removed from the current century. But Lois’s daughter spoke of Lois’s adventures, starting when she left her small Wisconsin town for nursing school in Chicago. Lois pulled two friends into her career plans, leading them across the country for nursing jobs, first to California and then into the Air Force Nurse Corps. Lois met her husband Bob while they were assigned to Ellington Air Force Base in Texas. After completing her next Air Force assignment to Sembach Air Base in Germany, Lois and Bob left the Air Force, married, and returned to Chicago. Following a similar path as Lois and her friends, Bob and Lois later moved from Chicago to southern California. The uplifting eulogy brought surprise and smiles into the sorrow of the memorial.

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” Isaiah 30:15

With these words, God chastised the Israelites through the prophet Isaiah. The Israelites refused the repentance and rest God offered, but Lois never did. Instead she lived it out, embodying a lifestyle of faith, peace, and rest. Lois left a legacy of spiritual strength, exemplified by her abiding faith in God.

May 31, 2024 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

The 9/11 Memorial Pools: Michael Arad’s “Reflecting Absence”

Architect Michael Arad designed the World Trade Center-site memorial, entitled “Reflecting Absence,” to honor the 2,983 people killed on September 11, 2001 (in New York, Pennsylvania, at the Pentagon) and during the February 26, 1993 bombing. Opened on the tenth anniversary of 9/11, the two memorial pools were built upon the actual footprints of 1 World Trade Center (the North Tower) and 2 World Trade Center (the South Tower), respectively. In Arad’s words, “Its scale is massive and personal, its impact individual.”

I knew that my first impression of the 9/11 memorial would be profoundly moving but wasn’t sure what to expect. Obviously, this would be no splashy, gravity-defying fountain with upward-facing theme. No, these gravity-sucking, downward-focused pools gripped me emotionally, as intended. Michael Arad eloquently summarized his design: “You have to make that absence tangible, physical, something that, when you walk up to the edge of that void, you feel it. It’s not just in your head, it’s in your heart.” How these two towers, after standing sentry over Manhattan for almost three decades, could be obliterated in terrorist-piloted acts of evil is still incomprehensible. Arad’s words rang true for me, even though my first visit to the site was over twenty years after the event. The horrors that unfolded that September 11, 2001 morning impacted our nation forever.

Design

The pools, constructed by Delta Fountains, are an engineering marvel. Thirty-foot-high waterfalls frame identical one-acre square memorial pools. In the center of each pool, the water cascades into a smaller square whose bottom is unseen, an inestimable deep pit when viewed from above. The memorials’ seeming simplicity belies the engineering expertise that designed and now sustains these catchment basins: 16 pumps to circulate 26,000 gallons of water each minute, circulating over 480,000 gallons of recycled water—every day in all types of weather.

Symbolism

The pools identify the towers’ footprints, commemorating a vibrant storied past now relegated to sorrowful sinking silence. Invisible water depths symbolize the physical devastation caused when the massive twin towers collapsed in dust and debris. Emotionally, the waterfalls represent the grief and sorrow that flowed down and down and down—to the unfathomable depths of survivors’ wounded hearts.

Since the memorials opened in 2011, their dedicated employees continue to uphold the memory of lives lost. On the deceased victims’ birthdays, memorial workers place white roses on the names etched into the bronze parapets. What a beautiful act of love and service by those who care for the fountains and honor the deceased! Restaurant workers. Finance experts. Passengers on a seemingly-random airplane flight. Office workers on a Tuesday morning. First responders. Rescue personnel. Unexpected heroes. Dads, moms, grandparents, siblings, children. Unborn babies who should now be in this world as 20-somethings. Innocent victims—so many precious people—killed in the attacks. And yet, in this memorial, these lives are remembered and honored.

Lord, as the God of all comfort, please be with those whose 9/11 losses are pervasive and ongoing. Be with those who are still facing their sorrow. The one whose unborn child might be graduating from college now. The daughter whose father won’t walk her down the wedding aisle this summer. And the widowed wife grieving the husband who is absent as she ages. Lord God, comfort all who grieve and bless them with hope and a future, as only you can. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

November 30, 2023 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

God’s Hope During Grief

HOPE. Four letters in an order that I could not relate to. Not after my husband Lee died. Not after I became an only parent of our two young children. How could I have hope? My partner in life, parenting, adventuring, and joy for over two decades had suddenly died. What could I hope for?!

My mother-in-law sent me those specific four letters—HOPE—on a wrought iron plaque. Too heavy. Too much to expect. So far from the depths of grief that weighed me down. Physically, logistically, and emotionally—I could not face a proclamation of hope, the issues that took priority over hope, or the grief that drowned my hope. HOPE the concept seemed impossible. But HOPE the plaque was an elegant piece with four serif caps resting on artistic swirls.

I looked at the plaque and remembered Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The next two verses describe a strategy I had already used in my grief: “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart,” Jeremiah 29:12-13. Hope was more than I could muster on my own, but I decided that God could be trusted to have hope for me.

Although my resources felt depleted by grief, I knew God’s love and power could give me hope. So I hung that plaque on my kitchen wall, across from my morning Bible-reading spot. God’s hope and emotional healing did not come quickly, nor did my grief disappear. Those four letters stared me in the face every day, reminding me to trust God for hope. And I did: slowly, verse by verse, and prayer by prayer. I cracked my Bible daily, completed my study lessons, and prayed to the source of my comfort and hope. And God answered—in His way and in His timing.

After experiencing God’s hope and comfort through grief, I now have the privilege of praying for others. When I pray for people in need of hope, I again go to God’s Word for insight:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Not only does God give hope, but He provides comfort, joy, and peace beyond what we can imagine. God did that for me all the way through my grief and sorrow. (For the full story, see my memoir and sequel.) I have experienced these gifts from God, and I challenge you to ask God for them, too. May the God of hope give you overflowing hope, joy, and peace as you trust in Him through your pain.

October 18, 2023 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Three Funerals, Three Churches, One God

Not for a romantic weekend or vacation getaway, but my husband and I recently drove over three hours to spend two days attending funerals. The three funerals at three different churches honored one God as they remembered the lives of three amazing Christians. As unique as each person was, so were their celebrations of life. Although different in style and content, each pastor’s message focused on Jesus.

The pastor at the first funeral was a personal friend of the pastor’s wife who had died. He gave a unique message that included many quotes from the deceased woman herself. L and her husband had previously completed plans for their funeral services. She had written a message for friends and family to be read after her death. After she explained the most important decision of her life—to accept Jesus as her Savior at age nine—she encouraged everyone to do the same. The pastor described the difference Jesus made in L’s choices of “worship instead of worry, prayer instead of panic, and faith instead of fear.” Presented after her death, L’s heartfelt personal message resonated with those gathered for the service.

At the second funeral we attended that day, the pastor spoke about the deceased man’s legacy. D had a list of noble accomplishments: caretaker for his first wife who died of a debilitating disease, loyal husband to both wives, and loving father and grandfather. After some humorous anecdotes, the pastor focused on D’s most important legacy as a Christian. Reading Bible passages from Romans, the pastor presented why and how to follow Jesus. When D’s two children sang a beautiful duet about going home, the song reinforced that D had gone home to be with Jesus in heaven.

The next day’s funeral focused on a 98-year-old man who had lived a full life and died suddenly. J loved God and his family, a lifestyle that everyone around him recognized and respected. The funeral sermon was an expository teaching on John 21, when Jesus appeared to His disciples after the resurrection. Out on a boat in the water, the disciples had fished all night but caught nothing. Jesus yelled from the shore, instructing them to put their nets out one more time. Then He blessed them with a miracle. The disciples caught so many fish that they could not haul the net back into the boat. Realizing that it was Jesus on the shore, Peter jumped into the water. The pastor pointed out that, unlike most fishermen, Peter turned his back on the catch of his life and pursued Jesus as his priority.

How meaningful to share in these funerals and the assurance of eternal life for each of these three precious people! Despite the sorrow experienced by grieving family and friends, each service honored God and presented the truth of Jesus Christ. What a blessing to grieve with hope and to know that eternal life awaits those who believe in Jesus.

September 30, 2023 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

A Sadiversary Grief Pilgrimage

A sadiversary grief pilgrimage. What is it? A sadiversary is the anniversary of a loved one’s death, a calendar date that marks another year after the loss. In the context of grief and sadiversary dates, I like the definition of a pilgrimage as a journey undertaken as a quest for a purpose, as to pay homage. Some definitions relate a pilgrimage to a sacred place, shrine, or an act of religious devotion, but I don’t believe in enshrining a place or idolizing a deathbed. In fact, the location of your love one’s death may still be painful years later.

Sólheimasandur, Iceland Image by 12019 from Pixabay

Same Date, Different Pilgrimages

This summer, two different sadiversary grief pilgrimages focused on the same date: June 13th. In one case, an entire family took a cross-country road trip, traveling over a thousand miles to visit a motorcycle crash site on the first sadiversary. They planned in advance, made arrangements for lodging, and decided how to retrace the last days of their patriarch’s life. I spoke with the widow and her daughter as they prepared for their pilgrimage. Although tearful and grieving, they were determined to make this trip meaningful for all involved.

In contrast, the other pilgrimage occurred half of a century after the death, on the fiftieth sadiversary. Months before she traveled 2000+ miles for the journey, a woman researched many details of her father’s fatal crash. She looked up obituaries, plat map books, and location maps. Her research also involved pre-computer methods: a library visit to photograph bound newspapers (in 1973, this library did not use micro-fiche storage), a letter campaign to many families in the region, and telephone conversations with people who responded to the letters. Attempts to track down eye-witnesses proved challenging because people had died, moved, or sold their land. However, several younger family members had been told the story and passed on new information to the grieving daughter. The family members of the original eye witnesses invited her out to the crash site and welcomed her and her aunt with genuine hospitality and kindness.

These two sadiversary grief pilgrimages, although centered on the same day, illustrate the truth of how unique the grief experience is for each individual. A grief pilgrimage can be a time to commemorate your loved one, honor their life, and process your grief. Or more importantly, an opportunity to recognize the grief that you have already processed. Whether you take a grief pilgrimage on the sadiversary or at another time, here are some ideas to consider when you visit the site of your loved one’s death or another site associated with memories of the deceased.

Plan Ahead

As you plan, consider the site and any accommodations you need to make. For example, obtain permissions, determine how to access a specific area, and recognize safety factors, etc. If the exact location is unaccessible, consider a place nearby where you could spend time reflecting. For example, you cannot sit in a busy intersection, but perhaps you could park on a side street. Decide on your goals and activities as you plan ahead.

Bring a supportive friend or family member—or complete this on your own. Recognize and respect that everyone grieves differently. One person’s grief pilgrimage will have different goals and expectations than another person’s. There may be family members who don’t want to join you because they are not ready or they have already processed their grief in different ways. If you invite people, discuss your plans and expectations in advance.

Make a Back-up Plan

Visiting or revisiting the site may elicit the pain and grief you previously experienced or bring up new emotions. This may trigger difficult responses, even if you have never seen the site before. Strategize how to cope with any overwhelming emotions that may arise. If you deal with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, make a plan—perhaps with the help of a counselor. Have an exit prepared, but don’t rush away before you accomplish what you set out to do. Find a place to regroup near the site you plan to visit.

Set Realistic Expectations

This pilgrimage may be a quest for peace and closure, but recognize that you may not find the answers or closure you seek. In fact, this journey may bring up more questions than answers. As much as you knew your loved one, you may not know everything about what they felt and how they dealt with the events leading up to their death. Answer the questions you can, and be flexible with your idea of closure. Be realistic about what you can accomplish and be prepared that this experience might not turn out exactly as expected.

At the Site

Give yourself time to process everything. Recognize that heavy grief is exhausting. You may need extra time, comfort, or space when you physically and emotionally revisit an earlier place of grief and pain. Be careful not to make the location of your loved one’s death a sacred place or an idol that controls you. Say a prayer, have a moment, read a Bible verse, write in your journal—whatever comforts you.

Consider a souvenir: take a picture, find a rock, pick a flower/leaf to press, or buy a souvenir from the town/region. Be careful what you leave, especially if the site is owned by someone else. (No one wants plastic flowers that will be plowed under at the next snowfall.) Contact the owners or the park staff for suggestions of a memorial. Perhaps they have an idea for a bench, a marker, or a tree to commemorate your loved one. They may have an idea you never considered. Be flexible and respect the property and its owners.

A sadiversary grief pilgrimage may provide a comforting quest to grieve, honor, and remember your loved one. To maximize your experience, plan your goals in advance, set realistic expectations for yourself, and consider what you will do at the actual site. Expect that not everything will be explained or come to closure. I encourage you to look to Jesus for the peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7), and recognize that we won’t understand everything this side of heaven.