Blog - Kristina Lunde

December 31, 2019 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

From My Widowed Experience to Yours: 10 Suggestions for New Widows

To those who are newly widowed, I pray for God’s help as you process the pain of grief. Here are some suggestions that helped me cope with the most difficult experience of my life, when I became a widow with young children.

1. Breathe deeply. Eat healthy, drink water, get fresh air, exercise. Remind yourself of these basics, because your world has crashed in. Care for your body; your mind is working overtime to process everything.

2. The video loop in your mind will stop. Fifteen years ago, I did CPR on my husband when he died of a sudden heart attack. As that video looped in my mind, I beat myself up mentally for what I could have/should have done. Just as I lived through it, know that your video loop will stop. Until then, see #1.

3. Stop criticizing yourself. You did the best that you could do under the circumstances. Talking with the coroner may help explain what happened and ease your mind. The outcome remains upsetting, and the why questions may never be answered completely, but it helps to know the facts.

4. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. complicate grief. They may provide temporary pleasure or distraction, but they won’t deal with the underlying problem. One widow got drunk every night for 8 months; afterward, she still had to face her grief.

5. Face your grief. Stuffing, ignoring, or drowning it out does not help you process your pain or maintain your mental health. Deal with your grief and work through it. There is no shame in getting help from a trusted counselor or grief group to process your grief. GriefShare helped me; sign up for their daily emails of encouragement or their support groups. Grief is a mental, emotional, and spiritual process that ultimately will be worth working through. Until then, it stinks.

6. Write down memories of your spouse and ask others to do the same. Save them in a notebook. This is painful at first, but these memories will be treasured. This is meaningful to do as a family, especially with young children.

7. Ask for help. People don’t know how to help, so give them specific tasks when they offer. Think of things your spouse did that seem overwhelming or tasks that you normally do, but don’t have the energy to do now. Then ask one person to do one task. Keep asking those who offered.

8. Grief rewrites your address book. Surprisingly, new friends may step up to support you, but old friends may back off. Many people have no idea how to support someone whose loved one dies. Consider that people around you are also grieving; they may stay away to avoid their grief or because it hurts them to see you in pain.

9. Don’t let anyone rush you in decision-making, especially about sorting or giving away your spouse’s possessions. Grief fogs our minds. Wait one year before making big decisions was advice my mom got when my dad died at age thirty-five. Decades later, that advice helped me to wait before moving across the country with my kids.

10. Processing your grief will challenge you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. You love your spouse, and this a huge adjustment. His/her sudden absence takes time for your mind to understand completely. I had a lot of emotions; my therapist told me to “Take it to God, because He is big enough to handle it.” Working things through—and expressing my anger to God—helped me find comfort and understanding. A life-changing event like this can deepen your character. That outcome is long-term and hard to imagine now, so go back to #1 as needed.

For more details on my story, see the memoir My River of Sorrow and Memorial Stones, the sequel that describes what I learned through grief.

See my previous posts to grieving children, a new widower, a famous widow, and to my late husband.

November 28, 2019 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

A Mother’s Prayers Preempted by a Sovereign Heavenly Father

Dear One,

You followed your passion in college, filling your days with studies and hard work in preparation for graduate school. I prayed that God would open doors and lead you to a school in your chosen field, but you did not get accepted into any graduate schools. You later described how you asked God for forgiveness for the bitterness, frustration, and anger you felt after that disappointment. Having learned to wait, and even surrender your ambitious dreams, you now give God credit for His peace in your life.

Woman holding Bible and praying — Photo by Olivia Snow on Unsplash

Lord, your will be done.

When you graduated from college, I prayed that God would give you a job in your field. You worked two part-time jobs for almost six months and applied to eighty-five jobs. (I felt discouraged and frustrated for you!) In retrospect, you saw God’s miraculous provision in the job He ultimately gave you.

Lord, your will be done.

For months, I prayed that God would encourage you by improving the communication and working relationships at your job. Despite the verbal promise of a two-year position, your boss let you go on short notice that your position lost funding. (Not the answer I prayed for.) Instead of being bitter or vengeful, you gave God credit for teaching you to want the best for your co-workers and to diligently complete your projects.

Lord, your will be done.

In your current period of unemployment, I keep praying for God to find you a job. No job yet, but you write of trusting God to open doors and give you peace about uncertainty. I love your phrase about “enjoying the closeness of God’s presence,” even though you remain unemployed. You learned to submit all of this to God, a process that might not have been happened if God had quickly answered my prayer.

Lord, your will be done.

The growth, maturity, and perspective that you have gained reveal God’s work in you. May our sovereign heavenly Father keep drawing you closer to Him, even though this process can be challenging and painful. As Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Keep trusting God because He created you and knows exactly what you need.

Love you.
Mom

Lord, your will be done: not what I think is best, but what you as her sovereign heavenly Father know that she needs. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

October 31, 2019 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

Discipling Across Genders and Generations

Driving home from church events last week, I listened to a sermon series by Philip De Courcy on my radio station. In his expository teaching on Titus 2:1-5, De Courcy explained discipleship between older and younger women in the church. One recurring phrase of De Courcy’s resonated with me: “the church’s job is to disciple across genders and across generations.”

What does discipling across genders and generations look like in my life? My starting point is Jesus’ sending words in Matthew 28:19-20, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” My decades’ long discipling project changed focus as my two children, a son and a daughter, launched as young adults. Much as I would love to hop a plane and be a missionary elsewhere, I live in the northern Minnesota woods. Now that I am an empty nester, how does God challenge me to disciple across genders and generations?

Across Genders

The football hit my leg as I spoke. Sitting in the front row, Jacob listened and focused on me even as he tossed the football in the air. Then he missed the catch. After it bounced off my leg, I picked it up and set it behind me. Jacob obviously sat where he could not be distracted by peers, held eye contact with me (so much so that he dropped the football) and paid attention.

God, why me?! Our youth director asked me to give the middle-school lessons on Wednesdays. I can’t do this! I don’t have the physical comedy skills to get their attention. My language is old; my references, slang, and language patterns are far removed from these kids. That antsy energy that I used to get in trouble for? They have that too! I don’t want to shame them or discourage them from listening and growing in Christ. Help me, God to serve in your name and teach from your truth only. In Jesus’ name.

After background checks and other paperwork, volunteers from local churches participated in a mentoring lunch program at our public middle school. Each assigned to 1-3 kids at a time, volunteers spent three lunch periods in a row playing board games, enjoying seasonal-themed activities, and talking with the middle schoolers. On my first day, I met “Lexi” (not her real name). Lexi ate her pizza and talked, spilling out anecdotes of family dysfunction, neglect, and gender dysphoria. I connected with her on places of my own family wounds, but mostly I listened as she poured out her story. Later, I relayed concerns to the school counselor in charge of the mentoring program, who assured me that Lexi was receiving regular and professional counseling.

Dear God, you love “Lexi” so much! Please help her to realize that she is your precious child, created in your image. Please protect her in that chaotic household. Make her aware of your love and guidance. Dear Jesus, please let me love with your love and listen with your patience. In Jesus’ name.

“Sorry, guys. David [our youth director] called and texted every man he knew, but he couldn’t find a man to lead your group tonight. I am their last choice so you are stuck with me.” I introduced myself to the 8th and 9th grade boys’ small group on a recent Wednesday night. This fun group of young men surprised and humbled me as they discussed how they spent time with God.

God, thank you that these young men are yours. Keep them loving and following you, and please bring a male group leader to challenge and encourage them. In Jesus’ name.

Across Generations

Titus 2:3-5 spells out how older women should teach younger women. Mature Christian women have blessed me (thank you, Mom and Maryanne!) and now, as an empty nester, I want to bless others that way. Before we moved, I volunteered in MOPS as a mentor mom and now I occasionally return to speak. In my current location, I mentor informally or when moms contact me.

Lord God, teach me to open my heart and schedule to mothers and wives who need encouragement and direction from you, Lord. Help me to always point them to the truth of Jesus. In your name.

In my new church, I co-lead a small group of middle-school girls in youth group. Last year, we had sixteen 5th-8th graders; this year our list includes eight 6th-8th graders. We discuss the lessons, share from our hearts, and pray together.

Dear God, you know and love these girls. Please keep drawing them to you and deepen their relationship with you. In Jesus’ name.

Six months ago, Pastor Mark gave a kick-me-in-the-butt sermon (my words, never his) about loving your neighbor. God used that to convict and motivate me to meet and serve the family at the end of our gravel road. I now spend time helping 93 year-old, bedridden, cancer-ravaged Edith. As a nurse, the diarrhea and diaper ministry is doable, but listening to anger and cursing are not my choice of ministry. When I hear Christ’s name yelled in hostility, my strategy is to sing “Jesus loves me, this I know . . .” Turns out Edith’s mother sang that song to her eighty-some years ago, and now it seems to calm her.

Lord, once again you sent me where I didn’t want to go. Forgive me for resisting. Change my heart to love and serve my neighbors in your name. In Jesus’ name.

Jesus’ words in Matthew 28:19 to “go and make disciples of all nations” includes all genders and generations. May God affirm our identity in Him, teach us to obey, and ground us in His love as He sends us to disciple across genders and generations.

Lord, teach me, humble me, and use me to minister in your love. Please send me to disciple across genders and generations. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

September 28, 2019 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

The Tub Incident: Why I Love My Husband

Reason #541 for why I love my husband is the incident with our tub. I caused this problem myself, which ultimately tested (and proved!) my husband’s patience.

First the backstory

My husband Craig is the muscle and brains behind our cabin/house remodeling project. I am not a handy, tool-wielding, Minnesota woman who likes construction projects. Give me construction on TV, done quickly between commercials, where I never have to experience budget overruns. Not an option with this project. I am in the middle of it, but not talented enough to contribute significantly. I sand, seal, paint, (and repeat!) on the many surfaces throughout the cabin, not that I am accomplished at this or enjoy it. But that is my job, so I try to help and not hinder projects.

Craig and I have fixed up and sold three houses in the last seven years. He does the construction work; I sort, pack, clean, and paint. The three family homes needed help; I did not choose the activity. I don’t have that fantasy of flipping homes; I would rather watch that on TV. Although we have worked on houses, living within the construction zone is a new experience for me. Once I came down the cabin stairs to see Craig hoisting a six-foot-wide, wooden, load-bearing header to support the opening for our fireplace. I rushed over to help him, chiding him for not asking for help. Not that I am brawny or full of upper arm strength, but I was the only human being available to help. I helped him lift the beam, but we discovered that the sheetrock needed further trimming before the header would fit in the space. We had lifted, attempted to fit, cut out, and repeated the process several times before the header set snugly into place.

“On TV when they do this, the header fits right in the first time. And when they need to lift, 20 people come from backstage to help the hosts and pick up the beam,” I remarked wistfully. No one comes to help when you are in the deep, dark woods working alone on projects! Craig accepts help from this wimpy wife because he has no other option. So I try to help and avoid causing extra work for him. Until the tub incident.

Current Incident

Finishing the area above the tub surround, just below the ceiling, is a task I had done before using a step stool in the tub. The first time was a second floor bathroom with an old-fashioned porcelain tub. The second house I painted was a fiberglass tub on a concrete basement floor. This time I used the step stool on the second floor tub, to sand and seal the knotty pine – times three coats. The step stool had a u-shaped back leg support and two front legs. As I sanded up near the ceiling, I heard a crunching sound as the short ladder gradually pitched forward. I jumped off when I realized that the legs were sinking.

Sure enough, when I pulled the stepladder up, the front legs had pushed the drop cloth down as they pressed the tub.

The stool legs completely punctured the fiberglass, breaking holes through the entire tub surface!

My Confession

Did I mention that Craig was on a fishing trip when all of this happened? And that this is our only bathroom?! Sickened by the tub holes, I wondered how this could have happened. I took no comfort in the fact that, according to many online sources, ladder-feet punctures are the most common need for fiberglass tub repair. Repair or replace the tub? I didn’t know which, nor did I want to make that decision myself. When I asked friends about the incident, the story became a comedy routine as everyone had a good laugh at my expense. To avoid ruining Craig’s fishing trip, I resolved not to tell him until he was on his way home from the remote resort in Canada. Meanwhile, I collected offers to shower elsewhere, or even come to live with friends if Craig was very upset. I knew he wouldn’t be that mad, but I still felt terrible that I had done this.

On his way home from Canada, fish tales swirling through his mind and happy after spending man-time with brother and friends, Craig took my call. I explained the events to Craig, emphasizing how much I loved him. He was ever so patient and kind, despite the unspoken fact that I stupidly tried that with the step stool. Unlike Craig, I know nothing about load-bearing subfloors, structural support, or the tensile strength limits of fiberglass.

The Fix

My dear husband patched, epoxied, and sanded the tub to fix my mistake and repair the tub punctures. Craig did not scold or get mad at me. His patient, labor-intensive, problem resolution impressed me. I deserved to be chewed out for my carelessness, but he never complained. For Craig’s loving response to my mistake, I am grateful and honored.

Thank you God, for reason #541 to love my dear husband.

August 2, 2019 by Kristina Lunde Leave a Comment

A Machete, a Boy, and an Invitation to VBS

The blade glinted in the son, the sharp point rotating on the asphalt, as the boy spun the knife handle. This was vacation Bible school, or VBS, that summer staple of churches across the United States. I have volunteered with many church VBS programs, across two states, multiple denominations, and two decades. But never have I dealt with a machete-wielding kid at VBS!

A child should have a footlong hot dog, not a machete blade stretching over a foot long! Why did he have the knife? Was he going to use it on himself or on the vacation Bible school (VBS) kids?! My internal safety alarms triggered, I walked quickly toward him. Although aware of my presence, he did not look up, but continued to spin the dangerous blade.

Concerned for his safety and curious about his motive, I finally got close enough for him to hear me. “Hi, what’s your name?”

“Isaiah.” His face resolute and his eyes on the knife, Isaiah (not his real name) spoke softly.

Isaiah was not enrolled in VBS. On the other side of the asphalt were fifty VBS kids squealing, playing, and running around on a sunny day. Trays of watermelon and yogurt packets filled the snack table. The inflatable house, tie-dye crafts, and water games were set up on the church’s back field that bordered Isaiah’s house. What kid would not want to join that?!

Isaiah eventually opened up and started talking with me. The VBS director then walked over carrying the leather sheath, which Isaiah had dropped on the ground by the inflatable house. Isaiah reluctantly handed his weapon over to the VBS director, who slid the blade into the long leather sheath and handed it to me.

After a short conversation with mild-mannered Isaiah, I realized that he posed no threat. Instead, he was a normal ten-year-old, trying to get attention and join the other kids. And Isaiah’s method of doing that was to grab the coolest thing in his garage and bring it to show the other kids. He didn’t want to answer my questions about the knife, but he became interested when I asked if he wanted to join us. “Do you have anyone at home that I can ask about you coming over to play with us?”

“Yeah, my mom and grandma.”

“What if we bring the knife back and ask if you could come to vacation Bible school?” Holding the sheathed knife, I walked Isaiah home and told him about VBS. When we got to his yard, he went straight for the garage, but I called him back. “Isaiah, let’s go to the front door so I can talk with your mom and grandma about you coming to join us.”

Just then a large man walked out the garage side door. Before I had a chance to explain, he snarled at Isaiah, “I told you not to touch this!” Isaiah hung his head and slumped into a porch chair.

Realizing that this was probably Isaiah’s grandfather and the owner of the weapon, I held out it out to him. As he took the knife, I launched into a description of VBS and an invitation for Isaiah to join us. “We go until 12:30 today and then we have three more mornings of VBS. We just need someone to come over and sign him up.” I tried to be welcoming, but looking at Isaiah as he sat with his head lowered, I feared that there would be punishment and no chance of Isaiah coming to VBS.

“That is up to his mother,” the grandfather said, pointing the boy into the house. Then he turned and carried his machete into the garage.

I walked away with a heavy heart, realizing that no gentle invite or encouraging words would convince Isaiah’s family to let him join us. I prayed that God would intervene to bring Isaiah to our fun-filled VBS playground.

During snack time, our pastor joined us outside. Apparently, Isaiah had been out with the machete the previous day. Pastor Mark had met Isaiah, walked him home, and then spoken with his mother and grandmother. They had no idea he was out of their yard with the machete. Pastor was surprised to hear that Isaiah had come back with the knife, given his mother’s anger about the first incident. Pastor Mark had also invited Isaiah to VBS, but his mother didn’t sound like she was interested in sending him. We did not see Isaiah again that week.

Lord, you know and love this young boy. I pray that you minister to his lonely heart. Bring him into fellowship with you and with others who love you. Please protect him from punishment or hurt. Lord, instead of playing with knives, bring this precious boy to the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God (Ephesians 6:17). Grow this boy up to understand how alive and active your word is (Hebrews 4:12). Lord, teach him to serve you, that he would wield the sword of your word to your honor and glory. In Jesus’ name, Amen.